How to Handle Anger and Verbal Abuse from Elderly Loved Ones (Especially During Sundowning)

Sharing is caring!

How to Handle Anger and Verbal Abuse from Elderly Loved Ones (Especially During Sundowning)

As a caregiver, few things are more heartbreaking than being on the receiving end of anger or verbal abuse from a loved one you’re devoted to helping. Many caregivers have shared that this is one of the hardest aspects of their journey—especially when it occurs during sundowning, a phenomenon where confusion and agitation increase in the late afternoon or evening.

If you’re feeling emotionally drained, confused, or even hurt by these behaviors, you’re not alone. Let’s explore why this happens, how to manage it with grace, and where to find strength and support along the way.

Understanding the Behavior: It’s Not Your Fault

One of the most important things to remember is that anger and verbal outbursts are often symptoms of deeper issues—not a reflection of your worth or your caregiving efforts.

Common causes include:

• Sundowning Syndrome: Common in dementia and Alzheimer’s patients, sundowning causes confusion, restlessness, irritability, and even aggression in the evening hours.
• Frustration and Loss of Control: Aging individuals may feel powerless, and their lashing out is often an expression of grief or fear about their declining independence.
• Chronic Pain or Discomfort: Ongoing physical discomfort can contribute to a short temper and irritability.
• Cognitive Decline: Dementia and other neurological conditions can alter impulse control and emotional regulation.

Understanding the “why” behind these behaviors can help you approach your loved one with more empathy—and less guilt.

Practical Strategies to Cope with Verbal Abuse and Anger

Here are a few caregiver-tested ways to manage these difficult moments:

1. Stay Calm and Don’t Take It Personally

Try not to respond emotionally, even though it’s hard. Stay grounded and remind yourself that this behavior stems from their condition—not your care.

2. Set Boundaries with Love

It’s okay to say, “I’m here to help you, but I won’t accept being spoken to that way.” Gentle but clear boundaries protect your emotional well-being.

3. Redirect or Distract

Try to redirect their attention to a calming activity—soft music, looking at photos, or folding laundry can help diffuse tension.

4. Adjust the Evening Routine

Since sundowning is often triggered late in the day, consider dimming lights early, avoiding overstimulation, and creating a peaceful environment during those hours.

5. Seek Respite When You Need It

You don’t have to handle everything alone. Ask for help from family members, hire respite care, or explore community adult day programs to give yourself a break.

When It’s Time to Get Outside Help

If the anger or verbal abuse becomes constant or escalates to physical aggression, it’s time to reach out to a healthcare provider. There may be an underlying medical issue contributing to their behavior, or a medication adjustment may be needed.

Professional counseling or support groups for caregivers can also be incredibly healing. You deserve a safe space to talk through your emotions and receive validation for what you’re experiencing.

Christian Encouragement for Caregivers

In moments of frustration or despair, remember this beautiful promise from Isaiah 41:10:
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

When caregiving gets heavy, turn to prayer and scripture for peace and restoration.

If you need a spiritual lifeline, my 31 Days of Prayer for Caregivers Prayer Journal can guide and uplift your heart.
It’s filled with thoughtful reflections and scripture to help you connect with God during your caregiving journey.
Get your copy here on Amazon (affiliate link).

Final Thoughts

Caring for a loved one who expresses anger or verbal abuse—especially during sundowning—is incredibly hard. But you are not alone. Equip yourself with understanding, practical tools, support systems, and faith. Your love, patience, and dedication matter more than you know.

Keep showing up with grace—even when it’s hard. And don’t forget to take care of your own heart, too.

Affiliate Disclosure:
This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase through these links, I may earn a small commission at no additional cost to you. Thank you for supporting this blog and my work as a caregiver advocate.

Sharing is caring!